Not so long ago, I found myself in a condition many women often do . . I was knocked-up. Yes, I was fulfilling my duty perpetuating the human race. Joining the ranks of generations of mothers; carrying a beautiful little life. This small wonder — representing the unification of two souls forever intertwined — a perfect tiny symbol of our marital love, was growing inside me. And I was horny as a 15 year old boy. Times three. There was, however, one small issue with this seemingly miniscule problem: my husband was too weirded out to bang me while pregnant. Now, I’m considered by many to be a hornier-than-average woman. So, it should come as no surprise that during pregnancy, when the morning sickness subsides and is replaced by a libido the likes of which most women have never known (and which most husbands thank God for) mine skyrocketed to “man levels”. Ya know, like those gross guys who walk around thinking about women as sexual playthings and have one goal in mind? Yeah, that was me. Add to that my husband was on a 9 month penile withholding strike, and it rapidly morphed me into a walking horndog. Well. . .more so than usual.
We’d only attempted sex once or twice when I was about 8 weeks pregnant before my husband decided I was no longer the embodiment of all things naughty and penetrable, but was instead a delicate flower carrying his precious seed whom he now admired platonically. To be clear, I was not so delicate that I shouldn’t make dinner, or clean the house, or do the laundry, I just wasn’t “doable”. When the “man levels” struck, I was well into my second trimester. No longer nauseous, not so huge that I was super-uncomfortable, I was just right. Feeling pretty good. And all I could think about was penis. All day, every day. Penis, penis, penis. Penis thoughts in the shower, penis dreams — it seemed everywhere I looked something reminded me of penis! I was penis-deprived! After I gave up and stopped begging my hubs to mercy f*** me, I eventually just started masturbating daily. That only took the edge off. I became attracted to unattractive men. I gazed longingly at bulged pants. . . I’m ashamed to say it, but I even started watching porn, which I NEVER do. Basically, I couldn’t focus on anything until I buffed my muff in the morning. I was starting to think I was the worst mother-to-be on earth to be so consumed with sexual thoughts when I should be soaking in this beautiful experience. What’s a girl to do when she’s looking at another 5 months of celibacy followed by at least 6 weeks of recovery?
And then it occurred to me: The Big A! Or, anal sex, as it’s more commonly referred to by most people, though I prefer the former. That’s right, people! When backed into a corner with no other option, I break out the big guns! Desperate times call for desperate measures. Can you really blame me? I mean I had a problem and I found a solution. It just so happens to be a solution that very few men, including my can’t-have-sex-while-you’re-pregnant husband can resist! So, you might be wondering what the big secret is? Well, apparently, pregnancy has this wonderful little gem of a hormone called relaxin. According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, relaxin not only “causes pelvic and cervical expansion and relaxation”, it also “inhibits muscular contractions”. Hmmm, I’m no anatomist, but I’m pretty sure the anus is a muscle. Therefore, pregnancy’s best-kept secret is: PAINLESS anal! I’m not kidding! Once I discovered I could seduce my husband simply by suggesting anal sex, we had it constantly! And it didn’t hurt! Not only did it not hurt, I was like the Energizer Bunny of anal! I could keep going and going and going. It was like anal porn. Little or no lube, full penetration, the whole shebang! Not only did I make a fascinating discovery, which I happily shared with all my friends, pregnant or otherwise, as well as my doctors (I’m pretty sure they think I’m crazy and talk about me after my appointments), I also managed to obtain sexual satisfaction throughout my pregnancy, allowing me to focus on the very important upcoming events.
Pregnancy, with its many unpleasantries, discomforts, and general suckiness, actually has a silver lining. The next time you procreate, don’t forget to try the Big A! It’s something to look forward to. Well, I guess the real thing to look forward to is the addition to your family, but this is definitely a close second!