8
May

Pregnancy’s Best-Kept Secret

Pregnant Woman SecretNot so long ago, I found myself in a condition many women often do . . I was knocked-up. Yes, I was fulfilling my duty perpetuating the human race. Joining the ranks of generations of mothers; carrying a beautiful little life. This small wonder — representing the unification of two souls forever intertwined — a perfect tiny symbol of our marital love, was growing inside me. And I was horny as a 15 year old boy. Times three. There was, however, one small issue with this seemingly miniscule problem: my husband was too weirded out to bang me while pregnant. Now, I’m considered by many to be a hornier-than-average woman. So, it should come as no surprise that during pregnancy, when the morning sickness subsides and is replaced by a libido the likes of which most women have never known (and which most husbands thank God for) mine skyrocketed to “man levels”. Ya know, like those gross guys who walk around thinking about women as sexual playthings and have one goal in mind? Yeah, that was me. Add to that my husband was on a 9 month penile withholding strike, and it rapidly morphed me into a walking horndog. Well. . .more so than usual.

We’d only attempted sex once or twice when I was about 8 weeks pregnant before my husband decided I was no longer the embodiment of all things naughty and penetrable, but was instead a delicate flower carrying his precious seed whom he now admired platonically. To be clear, I was not so delicate that I shouldn’t make dinner, or clean the house, or do the laundry, I just wasn’t “doable”. When the “man levels” struck, I was well into my second trimester. No longer nauseous, not so huge that I was super-uncomfortable, I was just right. Feeling pretty good. And all I could think about was penis. All day, every day. Penis, penis, penis. Penis thoughts in the shower, penis dreams — it seemed everywhere I looked something reminded me of penis! I was penis-deprived! After I gave up and stopped begging my hubs to mercy f*** me, I eventually just started masturbating daily. That only took the edge off. I became attracted to unattractive men. I gazed longingly at bulged pants. . . I’m ashamed to say it, but I even started watching porn, which I NEVER do. Basically, I couldn’t focus on anything until I buffed my muff in the morning. I was starting to think I was the worst mother-to-be on earth to be so consumed with sexual thoughts when I should be soaking in this beautiful experience. What’s a girl to do when she’s looking at another 5 months of celibacy followed by at least 6 weeks of recovery?

Pregnant Woman IdeaAnd then it occurred to me: The Big A! Or, anal sex, as it’s more commonly referred to by most people, though I prefer the former. That’s right, people! When backed into a corner with no other option, I break out the big guns! Desperate times call for desperate measures. Can you really blame me? I mean I had a problem and I found a solution. It just so happens to be a solution that very few men, including my can’t-have-sex-while-you’re-pregnant husband can resist! So, you might be wondering what the big secret is? Well, apparently, pregnancy has this wonderful little gem of a hormone called relaxin. According to the Encyclopedia Britannica, relaxin not only “causes pelvic and cervical expansion and relaxation”, it also “inhibits muscular contractions”. Hmmm, I’m no anatomist, but I’m pretty sure the anus is a muscle. Therefore, pregnancy’s best-kept secret is: PAINLESS anal! I’m not kidding! Once I discovered I could seduce my husband simply by suggesting anal sex, we had it constantly! And it didn’t hurt! Not only did it not hurt, I was like the Energizer Bunny of anal! I could keep going and going and going. It was like anal porn. Little or no lube, full penetration, the whole shebang! Not only did I make a fascinating discovery, which I happily shared with all my friends, pregnant or otherwise, as well as my doctors (I’m pretty sure they think I’m crazy and talk about me after my appointments), I also managed to obtain sexual satisfaction throughout my pregnancy, allowing me to focus on the very important upcoming events.

Pregnancy, with its many unpleasantries, discomforts, and general suckiness, actually has a silver lining. The next time you procreate, don’t forget to try the Big A! It’s something to look forward to. Well, I guess the real thing to look forward to is the addition to your family, but this is definitely a close second!

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16
February

Sweet G-Spot! How to Have Mind-Blowing Orgasms

Woman ClimaxingRecently, I read a study which suggested the mystical and elusive G-spot may not exist in women — it was obviously written by a man. While I’m no physician, and haven’t studied the anatomy of a vagina per se, I can assure you that the G-spot does in fact exist. What’s that? Am I disagreeing with science? Yes. . .in this case I absolutely am. I’ve been sexually active for roughly 16 years now and the reason I can disagree with this is because I have had orgasms with and without my G-spot, and there is certainly a difference.

I was having sex with pleasurable orgasms for about 9 years before my best friend taught me this technique and I started having the most intense, long-lasting orgasms of my life. We are talking full-on body spasms, sometimes lasting what seems like an eternity, leaving me breathless and completely satisfied. It is possible to find your G-spot; it takes a bit of work, practice, and patience, but believe me, it is so worth it! In fact, my husband is often jealous of how long my orgasms last and how intense they are, but I know that he is proud and feels like he’s the man because he knows just the right spot to blow my mind.

Now, I’m not one of those lucky women who can orgasm from penetration only. I need manual clitoral stimulation in order to climax. It’s unfortunate, but I’ve accepted it as the way it is for me and still have amazing, satisfying sex all the time. In order to find your G-spot, you may need to stimulate your clitoris. Don’t be afraid of touching yourself during sex. Many men say it’s a major turn-on when women touch themselves, just ask Dr. Ruth. Also, in order to find your G-spot, it’s a good idea that your partner is on board with this excursion. He’ll have to lie there and be patient while you experiment and try to find the magic button, but I don’t think he’ll mind.

OK, now the good stuff. Here’s what you do:

Woman standing over manHave your partner lie on the bed, you will ride him on this journey into sexual bliss. While sitting straight up with his penis inside you, rhythmically thrust your pelvis in a sort of gyrating motion. Like you’re riding a bucking bronco, but gentler. You don’t want to break his Johnson! You can also try a more circular motion, which is how it was explained to me, but I’ve found the thrusting works better. Find which variation works for you. Don’t be afraid to explore different movements! Deep penetration is not key here, since the G-spot lies somewhere in the middle of the vagina and the tip of the penis usually passes it during sex. You may need to lean forward a bit, or backward, etc. You may not find it the first time. That’s OK. Keep trying and eventually you’ll know the feeling you’re looking for. You are trying to get the tip of his penis to rub a spot that is about half-way in and on the front of your vaginal wall. An up and down motion makes the penis slip right past this magical place and your mind won’t be blown!

As you ride him, try to find the magic spot while rubbing your clitoris. The clit rubbing will assist you in bringing on your orgasm. The goal is to have his penis rubbing your G-spot while you orgasm. I cannot orgasm simply from his penis rubbing my G-spot. Lord knows I’ve tried! I still need hand stimulation to get me there. Also, I’m not able to climax if my husband rubs my clit, only I can do it, so don’t be afraid to do this yourself. You know your body best; now is not the time for a helping hand. Instead, have your partner play with your nipples to help you climax easier. Now, be careful! Because of the way you’re slightly contorted while thrusting, his penis is only about half-way in and therefore leaves the possibility he may pop out. Once you’re in a groove, if he pops out and you’re thrusting, it can really hurt him, and also mess up your amazing orgasm. This is where your partner should be paying attention and trying to make sure he doesn’t pop out.

That’s it! As you climax, the tip of his penis rubs your G-spot which will intensify the sensation as well as the orgasm. It took me awhile to perfect this, so have patience. Don’t give up if you can’t find it immediately. At first, you may find you have an orgasm because you are essentially masturbating with his penis inside you. However, as time goes on, you’ll start to feel the right spot and you can either use that in conjunction with clitoral stimulation, or climax simply from the G-spot. Either way, you’re in for a real treat! Once you learn the spot, you can try other positions, and your partner will learn exactly how to penetrate you in order to hit it. I call that a win-win!

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28
January

Communication Really Is Key, Even in the Bedroom

Couple Talking in BedMost people already know that communication is vital to sustain a relationship and carry it into eternal bliss. I’m continually surprised, however, by the amount of couples who are afraid to communicate when it comes to matters of sexual satisfaction. Is everyone too afraid they’ll hurt their partner’s feelings? Or, do they think it isn’t an important component of a relationship? “Well, A, B, and C are good, so sex doesn’t really matter.” I’m not sure why couples don’t talk about it, but I do believe they should. Now, now, let’s not get ahead of yourself; this is a sensitive topic for many people (understandably so) and one that needs to be handled with care and tact. Don’t run to your significant other and tell him he has a small penis and you’re unsatisfied! You need to take into consideration things that can be worked on and also accept things that can’t be changed, such as physical anatomy. I don’t know this for a fact, but I pretty much have always assumed that telling a man his most prized possession is inadequately sized is NEVER, EVER OK to do. I’m not a psychiatrist, so who knows, maybe they’d say in a “safe” environment anything can be said, but I’m not quite sure tiny ponies fall into that category.

So, how do you go about becoming more sexually satisfied in the bedroom without sending your partner packing? Honesty. I know, I know, I just said you can’t tell him he has a small wanker which contradicts the honesty thing, but that is the one exception. Although you can’t say that, what you can say are things like, “I’d like to experiment with different positions and see how each of them feel.” or “I love when I’m on top because I can feel you deep inside me.” You can get what you need, while enticing him. Similarly, if men feel their partner just lies there like a dead fish while they’re giving all they’ve got, they might say something like, “It really turns me on and gets me so hard when I f*** you from behind.”

Every person is different and what feels good for one partner doesn’t always feel good for the other. Also, most people have had more than one partner, which in my experience means you have to find what works with each one. Your boyfriend from years ago may have been the best oral you ever had, but your current partner acts like he’s snacking Crunch ‘n Munch down there. So, tell him. When my husband first went down on me, he wasn’t in the right spot. I didn’t just lay there pretending to like it topping it off with a fake climax worthy of an Academy Award; I touched his head gently, he stopped, and I said, “Not there, here” (pointing to my clitoris). This was literally the first time we had sex! It may sound crazy that I was comfortable enough to tell him that so early, but what can I say? I wanted to get off as much as he probably wanted me to. I mean he was downtown after all, I’m pretty sure he expected results. He never told me he found this offensive; later on he actually said he was glad I’d been honest and he liked doing oral much better after he knew what area to focus on. He’s been giving me awesome cunnilingus ever since!

Not every single sex act you do has to be fabulous and amazing for both parties. After all, sex is about give and take. Sometimes you might do your favorite position, and other times you’ll do his/hers. It’s also a good idea to keep an open mind. Your partner may want to ask you to do something you’ve never tried before, such as putting your finger in his butt while giving him a blow job, but he’s afraid to say it. Encourage your partner to open up, and unless it makes you uncomfortable, try it at least once. Who knows, you both may enjoy it! While being open-minded is essential, it is equally important to be honest about what you’re not comfortable doing. If he/she asks you to do something you aren’t comfortable with, try not to make them feel weird or bad about it. Gently tell them you’re not really into that, and suggest an alternative you’re both comfortable with. You don’t want the other person to shut down and not be honest in the future because you made them feel like a freak. The best advice I can give is to just keep the communication flowing. If you’re in a healthy relationship, your partner should want to ensure you are sexually satisfied, therefore you shouldn’t be afraid to speak up.

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9
January

The Queef

The Queef ImageYou’re on the bed, on your hands and knees, he’s behind you, giving it to you, hard and fast. It’s so good! You look hot with your back arched, butt perked in the air rhythmically writhing together and then suddenly — pffffffffttt — vaj fart. No one likes to talk about it, but it is an unfortunate side-effect of being a woman and having a vagina. The dreaded queef. Mother Nature’s cruel little joke to keep you from thinking you’re too sexy for your own good. What is “the queef” one might ask (if they’ve been living under a rock or are perhaps a cave-man)? Wikipedia eloquently describes it as Vaginal Flatulence (flatus vaginalis) an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina. Queefing can happen at any time, not just during sex. Bending at an awkward angle, during yoga positions, and in my experience, with every step you take the first few months after giving birth — awkward.

I know, it’s completely embarrassing! I mean, it sounds like a fart! And, if you’re in the middle of having sex, it can leave your partner staring at you, horrified that you’ve just committed the sexual unpardonable sin. Nothing says boner-kill like farting during sex. However, I’m here to clear the air (pun-intended) to these misinformed partners. Relax! Your girlfriend, wife, or mistress did not just drop a booty bomb…it was her vagina!

During sex, especially if you are doing the deed doggie style (our preferred method) with each thrust, a little bit of air can get pushed into the vagina by the tip of the penis. You can do it doggie 1,000 times, and it may only happen on occasion; possibly even never. It depends on how much your partner pulls his penis out before thrusting it back in each time. So, if he’s like my husband, he pulls out almost completely, then thrusts back in, letting in a little air with each ‘break of the seal’. Since we usually end up in the doggie position for the grand finale, I’ve experience this less-than ideal bodily function quite often. What do I do? We stop, I push out the air, and continue on. Yes, it sounds bizarre, and truthfully I don’t believe I’ve ever actually asked what someone else in a similar predicament does, but that’s what we do! If there’s enough air in the vagina, it actually can be uncomfortable to the woman, and the man can usually feel it as well. It’s like a little trapped pocket of air. If you take a moment to stop and push it out, it will feel better for both parties. Does it sound ridiculous? Do I feel like a complete weirdo pushing air out of my vagina that makes wet farting noises? Absofrigginlutely. I don’t even fart in front of my husband so this makes it doubly uncomfortable for me! Luckily my husband seems to have accepted this odd vaginal quirk as part of the deal with doggie style, so he doesn’t seem to mind. I think I blush a little every time, though.

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5
January

The Beautiful, The Magnificent, The Penis

The Beautiful, The Magnificent, The Penis ImageSchlong. Wiener. Dick. One eyed snake. Cock. It has many names, comes in different colors, shapes, and sizes, and I love everything about it. I’ve pretty much always been fascinated by penises as a whole. I mean, it’s just this dangly thing bouncing around in the pants of every other person on earth. If I had a penis for a day, I honestly don’t think I’d leave the house. I’d just play with it the entire 24 hours! But, that’s a topic for another day. What I really want to talk about is why I love penis. It’s quite an impressive appendage if you ask me. It grows to great lengths, shrinks, urinates, squirts, and brings me immense pleasure. What’s not to love?

It has been my experience that I am among the minority of women; at least the ones I know. Because not only do I love dick (in me, on me, in and around my mouth, etc…), I think the penis is beautiful to look at. I’m surprised that many women do not share this sentiment. Ok, I agree, as a whole, the female body is “prettier” to look at than the male’s because of all our natural curves and the fact that a man can pretty much look like a hairy brick on legs. But I love the male body and it all ties together with the pièce de résistance: the penis.

I think about penis quite often. Aside from the obvious thoughts like how much I like it in my mouth, and every other orifice, I also think about the day-to-day penis as well. Like gym penis (is he bouncing around?), corporate penis (does he have a little tie?), and yes, even presidential penis (does he get any action?). Personally, I would prefer to see more of penis in his natural habitat than I get to. I once went to a party and found out that 5 minutes before I got there, a very well-endowed gentleman disrobed and waved his pork sword around for everyone to see. I missed it, but I’m not the type of person to just randomly ask someone to whip it out again since I was late. I am a lady, after all! Why am I never amongst the crowd when a random streaker decides to strike? I guess I’m just unlucky. Men get to see boobs WAY more often than I get to see penis (aside from my husband’s; I see plenty of that one and love every minute!), and I think it’s unfair. Why isn’t there a Mardi Gras where men get a trinket for flashing their dick? Why isn’t there a Men Gone Wild video with random cocks all over the place? The full-frontal movies of penis are few and far between. I don’t want to have to watch porn for penis, I’d just like to see everyday penis. I guess it all goes back to the fact that I appear to be in the minority when it comes to the curiosity and fascination of my favorite plaything…the penis!

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